Conversations with God

I'm a Christian.  Not a very good one - I pray when it suits me, my idea of reading the bible is making sure I read the verse at the top of devotionals I get daily and don't read.  I haven't stepped foot in a church in years.  But I believe that Jesus is real, and has dominion over me.  No, I'm not going to preach to you right now.  That's also one of those things that make me a bad Christian - that I deliberately will not try to convert or preach to a person.  Mine was a personal choice, yours is too, end of discussion (unless you have questions, in which case I'd suggest Google would have better answers than me).

After some pretty significant life events combined with the effects of a worldwide pandemic, I have found myself to be in the midst of an existential crisis.  Why are we here?  What's it all for??  Am I meant to just muddle through each day, wondering what to do with myself, struggling to pay my bills?  What even is the point??

Often when stoned I will become introspective and reflect on my life.  One particular evening, I was in bed just trying to sleep after having smoked a bit, when I started to ask God the above questions.  I'd asked those questions many times before and never really stopped to listen for an answer, so I wasn't really expecting an answer this time, either.  But boy was I wrong.

The answer finally came to me.  So definite, so clear.  The reason we are here, on this earth, doing what we do, is to love one another.  That's it, that's the answer.  Love.

Never in my life have I been as certain about anything as I was about that.  In that moment, it made perfect sense, and the certainty was unmistakable.  I have since gone over that night in my mind, analyzed and over analyzed it again and again.  Picked it apart like nothing else.  But the conviction with which I felt that one word - Love - was indisputable.  Confidence, and........serenity.

I still have a lot of questions, all of which I patiently wait for answers.  But one thing I now know for certain - we are all here to love one another.

Gateway Check-in #1

As of yet I've had no cravings or desires to move on to badder, more illicit drugs.  So far so good! 

On Greening Out

The little bit of research that I've done has told me that nobody has ever died from overdosing on marijuana.  I think if a person has smoked too much weed, they'll just fall asleep where they sit, hand buried in the Doritos bag.  There is, however, a point where you're still conscious, but you've consumed way too much and you're starting to freak out.  That, I have recently learned, is called greening out.

I'm guessing the experience is different for everybody.  I actually believe that the intensity of the negative reaction is worse for people who tend to be anxious and/or high strung.  So if a person is relatively calm and easy-going, if they consume too much pot they'll enjoy the experience or just sleep.  My husband is like that.  He has vices, but they've never been drugs or alcohol.  He's, let's say, different.  Anyway, he hasn't consumed a lot of any sort of drugs in his lifetime.  In the last few years, however, he's smoked his fair share of pot, and has had mushrooms a few times.  Which all put him to sleep.  Give him a drug, he sleeps.  Usually with a shit eating grin on his face.

I, on the other hand, am opposite that.  Anxious, high strung, tense.  Needless to say, my first experience with greening out was definitely not a good one, as I was still trying to figure things out.  Which method of consumption was my favourite, how much dosage did my body need, etc.  Edibles were a whole new adventure.  They (they who?  The Fruit Scientists?) say start small.  So I had one gummy.   I believe it was 10mg.  I know literally nothing about edibles, or much about pot in general, so I have no idea what to expect.  About an hour later I felt nothing, so I had a second gummy.  Another hour later I'm pretty sure I'm not feeling anything but holy crap this rerun of Seinfeld that's currently on the TV is the funniest one I've ever seen!!  Decided I'd roll myself a joint.  Hard to do while you're almost peeing yourself from laughing so hard, but I managed.  

I still don't know how to roll a good joint to this day, but I've been using this nifty little rolling device since day one.  Put the tip in, fill the rest with weed, roll the little thingy, stick the paper, in, roll, lick, roll, voila!  Then comes the 'taptaptap' that comes with all hand rolled smokes.  Even with the doohickey, I still roll a shitty joint.  Smokeable, but barely.  Anyway.  Rolled a joint with something that just sounded yummy, Blue Dream.  Again, this gal knows nothing about anything.  Smoked the whole joint.  Something I can do now to no real ill effect, but the lightweight that I was then reared it's ugly head real fast.

Within minutes I felt dizzy.  Not dizzy, so much as the room was moving around me which was making me dizzy.  Vertigo, maybe?  I've never suffered from vertigo but I would imagine that would be it.  Not pleasant.  Not pleasant at all.  HOLY FUCK DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES!  Okay, eyes open, reaching out for something to hold on to.  Grabbed onto my husband, yelled, "BABY....."  he freaks out, "WHAT??!?!?!"  "I'M SO DIZZY!" I yell.  His response?  "I think you're stoned."   YA THINK???

OR, now hear me out on this, could it be that I'm having a HEART ATTACK??  Apparently not.  Okay, it's not a heart attack.  Are you sure it's not a heart attack???  We're sure it's not a heart attack.  You're stoned, breathe through it.  Nope, can't do it.  Gotta get up.  Gotta move.  If I move, I'll work it out of my system faster.  Holy shit I'm so thirsty!!  Go get some water, drink it down.  Dying of thirst, fill the glass, drink it down.  Oh god that doesn't feel nice in my stomach at all!  But my mouth, it's so dry!  Need water, more water!  Stomach says No More Water!

Oh dear.  This is quite the pickle I've gotten myself into.  Ooooh I don't normally like pickles but don't they sound good right about now?  I think there's some chips here though.... Oh look!  GOLDFISH CRACKERS!  Reached in, grabbed a handful of poor, innocent goldfish crackers, and crammed them into     my face like a beast.  OMG they're so good!  But dry, holy fuck I can't breathe my mouth is so dry!  Where's that water glass???

Third and fourth glasses of water downed, goldfish crackers consumed, stomach says, NOOOOOOOOO.  Geez Louise why is it so HOT in here?  I stepped outside the front door and immediately projectile vomited off the step.  Right onto the driveway.  More than anything I was thankful that I'd done that outside instead of in the house.  This was in the winter, it was cold outside.  Shivering from the cold yet sweating like a (insert offensive joke here), I did what any good mother would do, I called my son.  

Told him what was happening, and that's when I first heard the term 'greening out'.  He let me know that I'm fine, I'll be fine, I just have to ride it out, try to breathe through it.  My son is one of the smartest people I know and I trust him, so if he says I can do this then I can do this!

Finish the phone call, spend a few more minutes outside breathing in the cold air.  Went back inside and immediately started pacing.  Maybe I was sort of beginning to feel better?  I think so, but I'm not sure yet so I'll just keep pacing for now.  And talking!  Oh my goodness the talking!!  Somebody shut her up!  Couldn't even tell you what I was saying, just that I was prattling on and on and on.  My husband patiently nodding and smiling and throwing in the occasional 'uh huh' when needed.  

Eventually that slowed, I slowed, and yes, yes I was in fact feeling better.  There's more to that particular story but nothing of consequence, except for the fact that I may never consume Blue Dream again.  The preceding was the gist of the worst of it.  I have since had a few more experiences similar to this one, and have thankfully survived every one of them.  What I'm realizing, though, is that I don't need to freak out and 'ride out' the worst of it.  I bet there's people out there, seasoned pot smokers and such, who actually are able to fully enjoy the experience.  That's my goal.  Enjoy it.  Does Willy Nelson green out?  I highly doubt that.  Snoop Dogg?  No way.  I wanna be more like Snoop. 

The Munchies are a Very Real Thing

 There's this reality show I like to watch about people who are addicted to eating and gain so much weight that it affects their quality of life, and there's a doctor that'll give them weight loss surgery.  Often they'll say that eating makes them feel good, gives them a pleasure they can't find elsewhere.  Just like every other addiction.

Pot's been known to give a person a little something called 'The Munchies".  As I understand it, the munchies are where you're not really hungry, but you just want something.  Something crunchy.  Or sweet.  Or chewy, or salty.  Your mouth is craving something.  For me it craves something different every time, but it's almost always brought on by having smoked up.

In one particular instance what I found in the pantry to fill the void was Goldfish Crackers.  I don't usually eat them, we buy them for the hubby to put in his tomato soup.  At first I wasn't going to grab the bag as it was the last one and I would've left an orphan can of soup.  But the craving was too strong, I couldn't resist.  Grabbed the bag, ripped it open, plunked down on the couch and dove in.

The first cracker that hit my mouth could very well have been the most delicious morsel of food I'd ever put in my mouth.  The next one even more delicious than the first.  How was this even possible??  I then found myself with a mouthful of goldfish, with a serious case of dry mouth, yet still the most amazing thing I'd ever eaten!

These Goldfish crackers were phenomenal and suddenly I fully and completely understood the people on the show who can't stop eating.  It all makes sense now!  Didn't matter how dry my mouth was, how full my stomach was, I could not stop eating those crackers and I didn't stop until the bag was empty.  The disappointment that came with realizing the bag was empty!  They're gone?  They can't be gone!  I didn't enjoy that last bite as well as I should have!  I should have savoured it more!  I was out of Goldfish crackers, I couldn't drive to get more, and there was nothing else that would compare.

I still get the munchies and I've learned to temper my cravings, although sometimes I still give in to the cravings.  I had never before experienced such a euphoric feeling from eating, followed by such intense disappointment.  I have since eaten Goldfish crackers, and have never found another bag as delicious as that one.

I haven't been able to recreate that Goldfish experience so I have accepted that this experience was a special one, and I will savour the memories as best I can.

Meantime I'll keep trying.

Going Through the Gate at 48

 Actually I think I was 47, but that didn't rhyme.  Sure, I smoked weed back in my twenties, but I never really enjoyed it.  Alcohol was my drug of choice then.

For several reasons, none of which will be talked about here, I quit drinking altogether.  I was 25.  Notwithstanding the fact that I'd already consumed enough alcohol since the age of 14 to last two lifetimes.  Quit smoking, too.  Cold turkey.  I mean, not entirely, probably.  I'm sure I replaced those addictions with something.  Thinking back, I ate a whole lot more then.  Eating is another one of those things that I love to do, which will most likely become the topic of a future entry.  I digress.

Cue next twenty some years, minimal drinking or smoking.  Exact opposite, actually, trying to live a life without the influence of drugs and alcohol.  Becoming a mother changes a person.  Protective instincts are off the charts, danger everywhere.  Including in your own home.  Once again, I digress.

I then found myself in my late 40's, the work of motherhood mostly successfully done (I say mostly because a) let's be real here, I was a terrible mother at times, and 2) I don't actually think it's ever done, contrary to what my child says).  I had a freedom I hadn't had in a long time, the freedom to make a choice based solely on what I wanted, where the impact of that choice wouldn't fatally alter the life of a loved one.  

Not surprisingly, I went back to my drug of choice, the one that worked so (insert sarcastic tone here) 'well' in my twenties.  Turns out I'd become a lightweight.  Either alcohol was much stronger now or, even though physically I was bigger, my tolerance had gone way down.  While I'd like to believe the former, we all know it's because I'd become delicate.  No problem, the hangovers were way worse too, I certainly wouldn't miss those.

My country being on the verge of Cannabis legalization, I decided I'd give it another go.  Off we went to the vape store, to learn all about something we'd never really thought about before.  Spent way too much money, buying something we really had no idea how to use.  Guess we must have figured it out, though.

Today, three or four years later, I consume cannabis daily.  Mostly by smoking joints, sometimes vaping or edibles.  I have run the gamut of emotion on how I feel about the fact that I am now, officially, a 'pothead'. 

They say that marijuana is a gateway drug.  Stay tuned to find out!